Vultures, Codependency, Pain, and Love

On Thanksgiving, I was listening to a NPR segment about birds, and the subject that caught my attention was regarding turkey vultures. I have always loved vultures because of their ability to literally be able to thrive off of rotten flesh, so I was happy to listen more about what they had to say. 

The gentlemen were talking about how a deer was struck by a car on the road in front of his house. Due to the fact that he lived in the country, there was no road waste removal service, and none of his neighbors wanted the deer for meat, so the carcass sat in the ditch in front of his house to be consumed by rot. He recounted that not long after the accident, the turkey vultures began to show up and started to feast. 

Now the interesting thing to me, was that the birds did not just dig right into the animal where the best muscle and flesh would be. No, they started their process at the softest part of the deer, its eyes. Then they moved to the lips and gums, and proceeded to devour their meal from the next softest parts. Where I would have thought that they would have just wanted the best cuts of meat, like going to a buffet with my grandma and not being allowed to fill up on bread, and leaving the less desirable stuff for other scavengers. 

Anyways, for us to make a full circle here, we have to switch tracks entirely from turkey vultures to the subject of codependency. The other day, I was reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie, which is always recommended reading for my clients, and she was discussing how both the chemically dependent person as well as the codependent person are both experiencing pain; albeit starkly different experiences. However, at the root of both persons, is a deep and wide chasm of pain. This pain-body of either person could activate into a shame or guilt pattern, a resentment and unforgiveness pattern, or even just irrational fear. But the important point to remember for later is that both people are coming from pain. 

Now you’re wondering what the hell Benny is talking about, but here we go…

So often, when we are experiencing negative behavior from a person, whether it is narcissistic behavior, addict behavior, manipulative behavior, etc., our tendency is to label this behavior with a diagnosis that makes us ‘safe’. We put our stamp of approval on to this label, and from that moment onward we will always interact with that person fulfilling our diagnosis. 

The issue here is two fold. Number one, it is statistically impossible for all these people to be narcissists, sociopaths, or any other label that we go beyond our scope of practice with when labeling others. The second issue is that now, everytime we interact with that person, we are forcing both parties to interact with that inaccessible diagnostic point.

It’s inaccessible because for us, as the person this label is ‘protecting’, this label shuts down our ability to be compassionate and forgiving. For the other person, the label only serves as a pain-body activation button. The only thing that we will get in return is either more negative behavior, or we will be confronted with an unscalable fortress of coping mechanisms from this person. They, as well as their protective guarding mechanisms, are ready to pour hot tar onto any intruder from the highest tower of their pain-body. 

Now here it comes, full circle…

What if we were able to be like the turkey vultures and get access to relationships by locating  the most accessible soft spot, and what if that access point for us is remembering that we are all in pain? 

First and foremost, we only heal after we feel. So, it is imperative to get some space and time between yourself and whomever is creating friction in the moment. Once both persons pain-bodies are activated, there is no saving the situation except for aborting out as soon as possible. We must then take time to feel, process, and get clear before we can move forward, together. 

However, once we are ready to reconnect, we can re-approach by finding access together through the mutually shared pain. Even if it is just remembering that at some point along the way that person got hurt by someone, and from that pain they created this behavior. Remembering that, for me, is a huge part of being able to relocate my compassion as well as my love for humanity.

Now we can connect through a shared experience and actually start to deepen into a more vulnerable and authentic experience of relationship. Through this, we can actually begin to heal. It is deep inside this pain point that we can start to truly hear, understand, and connect on a much deeper level. A level that not only loves but celebrates each person’s pain. 

When I love you, I want to love all of you. I want to love your pain. I want us to deepen into each other so much that we forget about all our pain, fear, and hurt. I want to lose ourselves in our shared joy, our shared strength, and our shared dreams. I want this and so much more. 

Constantly affirming, “I breathe and soften into each moment with compassionate understanding”.  

Hari om tat sat 

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